Top 5 Mustaches in Video Games
Dating back to 300 B.C., mustaches have nearly always been a part of male grooming, style, and social class. But in the 1800s, they became incredibly popular in the United States. After over 100 years, I have decided to do what no other human has ever dreamed of; make a list. Not just any list; a list of the top 5 mustachioed characters in gaming.
Dr. Robotnik-Sonic The Hedgehog
Dr. Robotnik, later known in the game as Dr. Eggman because of his beautiful physique and incredibly unkempt cookie duster that is, literally, as wide as his shoulders. Master of technology, you’d think he would at least keep it nice and trim…
Solid Snake-Metal Gear Solid
Don’t let the old man face fool you; there are years of experience with the ladies under that flavor savor. It’s full, thick, and as American as teenage apple pie. As the second most powerful person on this list, Snake will not only kick your ass ten times before you knew he was in the room, he’d look good doing it to.
Not only is Warios molestache the most menacing shape I’ve ever seen, but the carpet doesn’t match the drapes. Come to think of it, even the eyebrows don’t match the drapes. What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
Sir Galahad-The Order 1886
The newest member to this list, Sir Galahad, is a true gentleman. Sure he spends most of his time killing vampires and lycanthropes, but the heartthrob hunk keeps that lady tickler nice and oiled for when the time is right to stop killin’ and start lovin’.
By far the finest crumb catcher on this list, Alakazam’s womb broom reaches down to his knees. Solid Snake may be a stealth legend, but Alakazam doesn’t even need to touch you in order to lay your ass out – he does it all while holding silverware like a boss! In his mega evolution form it turns into a massive beard, which goes to show just how powerful he is; he can literally migrate his mouser across his face and change its color.
So there you have it, the finest soup strainers, mouth brows, smoke filters, lip toupee, and grass grins you’ve ever seen in video games. The epitome of testosterone fueled manliness. When Wario gets knocked out of a race, watch him change his tire. When Dr. Robotniks gadgets break, he pulls out a wrench and gets to work. Solid Snake is so stealth he’s snuck up on ghosts. Sir Galahad dresses better than your dad on prom night. Alakazam? Well… those spoons aint just for bending. He’ll swoon you with a five star quality dinner –the most romantic spoon rendition of My Heart Will Go On, and finally make sweet, sweet, spoony love to you until you’re a hot mess on the ground. Because he’s a goddamn man.